Pleasure, not Pain
Everyday at our Pagoda we have meditation and prostrations. We need to wear these big formal robes, which are often uncomfortable and remind me of going to temple as a child, wearing a suit and tie. I really resist these ceremonies and I have begun to sneak out with the guise of practicing walking meditation in the woods. I do actually do the walking meditation and its quite relaxing, but the intention is still to escape the ceremony.
During my walking meditation today I didn’t feel my feet touching the earth in mindfulness. I felt like I was treading in a pool of guilt. I resisted this feeling and kept walking, trying to think my way out of it. With each step the situation became more unpleasant and apparent. I managed to resist the feelings and stick to my decision, carrying out a walking and sitting meditation before returning to Pagoda carrying the fear of someone reprimanding me.
Why do I do this? Because I’m a stubborn fool!. Because I still think there is a way to get what I want all the time. I am still chasing the dream that life is pleasurable and I only need to be able to “do what I want” to realize happiness. This is my illusion and I think I’ve been carrying it around for a long time. Not accepting unpleasant feelings and always trying to find a way out. Never acquiring discipline or patience. This has been my life and it has caused me discontent and a recurrent non-achievement in my unrealizable goals.
I think this is what the Buddha would call ignorance. Ignoring the truth of how things are and desperately trying to hold up a picture of how we want things to be. It’s why Ajahn Chah was once said, “If you give the Westerners what they want from Buddhism then it will become watered down. It will die. If you want the Buddha’s teachings to survive you have to pierce their hearts.” Why pierce their hearts? Because the truth hurts. Its not the way we want it to be, it’s the way it is. And this is difficult for us to accept and I think it’s not at all what we were looking for when we began down this path. “I want to feel gooood! Let me go join those peaceful Buddhists over there, they look like they know how to enjoy life! ”
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