The Habit Pattern (Habitual Karma)
I have this anxiety it is like a continuous guilt feeling, like I should be doing something. More specifically, it is as if, at any moment, my mother is going to come around the corner and lay a guilt trip on me. As if she has to do
everything and I am just sitting on the couch watching TV.
This is the cause of the tension in my belly, the reason I used to escape through drugs and sex and why I work until I crash. I try to find safety in escaping my body feeling, in distracting myself from fear and guilt. My goal has become to feel like I have accomplished something productive, because then I will not get blamed. But this is escape is a temporary illusion.
The pressure from mother arose, not out of the reality that I was doing something wrong, but from my mother’s in-ability to cope with her life and environment, in-ability take care of her needs and my in-ability (as a child) to understand her suffering.
Nobody’s fault, just conditions.
The Habit Pattern
She puts others before herself and makes sure they are taken care of and happy. Her mind is hard-wired like this. She doesn’t even have an inkling to question it. She feels this drive to take care as something that she needs to do, almost instinctual. But, this need is too strong for her and blinds her to her own needs so she is stressed out and gets migraines. She also does not know how to ask for help. She just feels she needs to keep doing, and she keeps getting the same results.
So, we go back to 1992.
As my mother is madly cleaning, she sees me sitting on the couch watching TV and enjoying myself. She thinks, “Wait, here I am busting my butt for him, and he is just sitting on the couch watching TV.”
Then, she says, “If you don’t turn that thing off, I am going to throw it out the window”. ( A regular occurrence)
As result, I feel a pressure like I am supposed to be doing something.
But what?
I do not know.
I don’t understand what has just happened.
I am only 10 years old.
So, I go somewhere else, go outside, or ride my bike. But, I continue to have a feeling as if I should be doing something, and instead, I am running away from this responsibility. I feel guilty, but I do not know for what reason. So, at age ten, I play, ride bikes, and play Nintendo to escape the blame and guilt feeling. By age 15, the guilt and anxiety has become so strong that, to calm myself down and avoid the guilt, I rebel. I go out with my friends, don’t tell my mother where I am, and smoke pot. This makes me feel even more guilty. By age 20, I am out of the house, living at University, and drinking. It is the most acceptable form of escape. Drinking is a little bit better, because it is socially acceptable, so there is not so much guilt. But, I am still enjoying myself, and in this pattern I feel guilty about that because I should be doing something more “constructive”.
So, I start trying to do something “constructive”. Maybe this will make me feel better. It does. I go to college and work really hard to get a degree. I finish college. I get the degree. But the feeling is still there. I need something else that lasts. Maybe I should even try to take care of other people. That sounds like the right thing to do! Maybe I should become a monk and gain enlightenment. That’s it! That’s perfect! Thats the most constructive thing ever!
While I am doing what I think a monks should do – putting others before myself, making others happy – I feel better, temporarily. I think, This is what I am “supposed to be doing.” The more that I do, the better.
But, then I put others thoughts, feelings, and needs so much before my own, that I start to deprive myself of my own needs. I try to make others happy and take care of them. I don’t know I do this or even question it. I just feel that I am doing so much for them and they don’t even appreciate it. I become stressed and unhappy. I see them having fun, being free, doing whatever makes them happy,and I think, “Wait, here I am busting my butt for you, and you are just doing whatever makes you happy.
And, I say, “Do something constructive!” This is how a habit pattern is transferred from parent to child.
And I love my mother. I understand her now.
Hue Gioi
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I am