Scheiβe
Three (Scheiße) Stories
I was attracted to study Buddhism because of the lightness and fluidity I felt after hearing and practicing its wisdom. This lightness, it seems, some people call “happiness.”
Who knew? I didn’t.
A great master, Ajahn Brahm, recently lead a retreat at Pagoda Phat Hue. This great master has many credentials: a degree in theoretical physics from Cambridge University, a scholarship to study at said university, one year teaching 16- and 17-year-olds, nine years studying with a renowned Theravada master, and his own monastery in Western Australia. But, it seems, his greatest credential is as translator.
He translates enlightenment as “the greatest happiness.”
And Buddhism is about happiness.
Happiness is about knowing what to choose, and too often, during our meal, we skip the happiness and eat the shit. Buddha said, all humans are born ignorant. Thus, we learn about shit – what it is, where to find it, and where to leave it – in order to be clear about happiness.
Here are three (shit) stories as told by Ajahn Brahm.
Story 1:
The meditators, like my master, Ajahn Chah, could see so much deeper. He could see solutions to problems which I could not see. I remember once being with him in a car driving from our monastery to the train station. There was a driver and 3 monks in the backseat. I was one of them, sitting next to a young novice monk from New Mexico. My master turned around and said to the novice, “You are thinking about your girlfriend.” And the novice monk went pale, because my master was right. You have to be careful with your masters, because they know when you are thinking of your girlfriend.
Ajahn Chah then said, “We don’t want you to suffer so much, so I think I can help you when you feel lonely being apart from your girlfriend. Next time you write your girlfriend, ask her to send something back to you to remind you of her.”
The monk from New Mexico asked, “Is this allowed, to ask an ex-girlfriend to send something to remind me of her?”
My master said, “Yes, this is allowed.”
I really thought my master was romantic.
I was wrong.
When Ajahn Chah said what to ask for, it took a long time for the translator to finally translate because he was laughing so long.
He said, “Ask your girlfriend in New Mexico to send something very personal. As her to send a bottle of her shit. And whenever you feel lonely you can smell the bottle of shit.”
Story 2:
There were once two farmers. Both farmers lived in similar houses, with similar families, and owned similar chickens in similar chicken coops. Each morning they would go into their respective coop to collect the products of the night before.
One farmer got up in the morning, went into the chicken coop, collected the chicken shit in a basket and brought the shit back into his house. He stunk up his house, his family, his life. He was a stupid farmer.
The other farmer, he got up in the morning, went into the chicken coop, collected the eggs in a basket and brought the eggs into his house. He used the eggs to cook an omelet for his family and sold the rest for cash. He was a wise farmer.
(Should I explain that the house in reference is not made of bricks or wood. What do you bring into your house?)
Story 3:
It sometimes happens that while walking, one steps in shit. I advice people not to wipe it off immediately, but instead to bring it home. Don’t bring it into your house, but bring it to your garden. It may happen that in your garden you have a mango tree. Scrape the shit off under the mango tree, and leave it be. Then, in one year, your mango tree will produce a nice, juicy mango. And you can sit down and eat that ripe, delicious mango. Really enjoy that mango, and remember that one year ago that mango was nothing but shit.
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So, those are the teachings on happiness. And happiness is reality, for some, and can be reality, for others. One more thing, Ajahn Brahm also explained enlightenment in completely practical, palatable, non-Scheiße terms. What were those terms? Tune in tomorrow, same Phat time, same Phat channel, to find out.
Thank you for putting these shitty stories up here. In the retreat, Ajahn Brahm said we are all conditioned and freewill is just an illusion. Without freewill, is the future then certain? But we know he also keeps saying the future is uncertain. Are these two statement contradicting with each other? I regret that I didn’t raise this question during the retreat, so does anybody have an answer?