Metta Vihara

I recently returned from a two-week retreat at Metta Vihara center in Germany. The retreat was led by the Venerable Dhammadipa and was themed on the meditation of the Four Elements. Metta Vihara was established by the German nun Ayya Khema and is currently run by her student, Bhante Nyanabodhi, who is also the first monk to be ordained in Germany.

The center was beautiful, located amidst the fields and forests at the feet of the Alps. The air was fresh and the trees were dark green.There were grasshoppers and bees and flowers and cowbells that traced through the air like chimes.

There was also the quiet.

No cars or machinery in the background, no people talking or things banging around. It was the kind of quiet that allows you to reset yourself, to bring your mind down again to that base level of stillness. I awoke once from a meditation and was shocked at how quiet everything suddenly was. Even my own body sitting in the wooden meditation hall by the river seemed to be in total stillness.

We meditated for hours by the Buddha shrine each day, enjoyed walking slowly outside in the crisp mountain air, ate delicious vegetarian dishes and desserts for lunch, and had brilliant Dharma talks at night. During these talks, Ven. Dhammadipa would bring together his vast knowledge of scripture and Pali and bend it around our heads with his personal experiences of meditation as support. Often he would try to make a point by telling us story. At these times he would giggle and convulse to the point where he could no longer talk. He would simply sit in the center of the room, snickering hysterically, until the rest of the room was laughing along with him. Those were really wonderful moments.

Throughout the times of meditating in various settings and walking in the surrounding forests of Metta Vihara, I spent a lot of time with myself. Before going on the retreat, I would have said, “I am always spending time with myself.” This just isn’t true.

In the library, I picked up a Thich Nhat Hanh book. It contained a letter written by one of his students, a young Vietnamese girl whose friend was going to war. In the letter, she mentioned looking out her window at a birch tree and seeing her friend in the tree. Seeing her own sadness in the tree.

During the retreat at Metta Vihara, the more silent I became, the more I saw that my “world” was heavily colored by echoes of past memories and anxiety about future activities. As I would walk down the grass and gravel meditation trail, my perception of beauty and gentleness would be altered by whatever I was holding onto in my heart. When I was rushing to get to a meditation session and filled with anxiety, I would hardly notice where I was or the colors and smells of the surrounding land. But, at times, like at dusk after our group Metta meditations, the whole world became surreal and beautiful. It was this feeling I can remember from childhood, of everything really being lush and alive and real. The world appears to us the way we decide to experience it. This isn’t just something to be said and heard, but something to practice. Even during meditation, as long as I wanted to get my mind calm, I couldn’t. But, as soon as I just sat and enjoyed the breathing, everything became calm and still. In the second when we are not just doing what we are doing, our minds are somewhere else. In these moments, we are actually not alive but in some created virtual mental world of pasts and presents.

Lost.

But, when we are walking and just feeling the feet lifting, or in mediation, or just enjoying the sense of the breath, then there is an awakeness. A freshness, an ease and a return to the world.

I don’t know why I like them so much. I never get sick of the plums. They are the first thing that I eat every morning since we visited Plum village. They taste great and- as I hear- they are good for my digestive system. So, it is really the best of health and taste.

Are Dried Plums the same as prunes? Does anyone know what other foods are good for the stomach? Fruits? Veggies?

Although, I have to say I do take my liberty with them. I eat them as “medicine” But, they taste so good that sometimes I eat them out of the right times and push the limits on my vows (of only eating at the right time unless it is medicine). Is this wrong? Any one have a similar vice that they have worked through?

This sort of thing I used to feel really guilty about. I would think that it was going to completely destroy my practice. Actually I am some one who is continually missing the forest for the trees. I would spend so much time worrying about the little details that I would miss the big picture and end up worrying all day, week or

year about a small thing that doesn’t matter instead of practicing.

If any one wants to share another experience like this it would make me feel a lot better?

This realization came to me after I sat for meditation this morning. I realized it is the steady practice those hours that I sit on the cushion and my ability to be mindful of my body, feelings and mind during the day that will allow me to progress. It says in the Dhammapada

# 40 “Realizing that this body is as fragile as a clay pot, and fortifying this mind like a well fortified city. Fight out Mara with the sword of Wisdom. Then, guarding the conquest remain unattached.

In other words life is too short and uncertain, protect your mind do what you believe in and don’t get attached to things that don’t matter. Is that it or am I missing the forest for the plums?

I have this anxiety it is like a continuous guilt feeling, like I should be doing something. More specifically, it is as if, at any moment, my mother is going to come around the corner and lay a guilt trip on me. As if she has to do everything and I am just sitting on the couch watching TV.

This is the cause of the tension in my belly, the reason I used to escape through drugs and sex and why I work until I crash. I try to find safety in escaping my body feeling, in distracting myself from fear and guilt. My goal has become to feel like I have accomplished something productive, because then I will not get blamed. But this is escape is a temporary illusion.

The pressure from mother arose, not out of the reality that I was doing something wrong, but from my mother’s in-ability to cope with her life and environment, in-ability take care of her needs and my in-ability (as a child) to understand her suffering.

Nobody’s fault, just conditions.

The Habit Pattern

She puts others before herself and makes sure they are taken care of and happy. Her mind is hard-wired like this. She doesn’t even have an inkling to question it. She feels this drive to take care as something that she needs to do, almost instinctual. But, this need is too strong for her and blinds her to her own needs so she is stressed out and gets migraines. She also does not know how to ask for help. She just feels she needs to keep doing, and she keeps getting the same results.

So, we go back to 1992.

As my mother is madly cleaning, she sees me sitting on the couch watching TV and enjoying myself. She thinks, “Wait, here I am busting my butt for him, and he is just sitting on the couch watching TV.”

Then, she says, “If you don’t turn that thing off, I am going to throw it out the window”. ( A regular occurrence)

As result, I feel a pressure like I am supposed to be doing something.

But what?

I do not know.

I don’t understand what has just happened.

I am only 10 years old.

So, I go somewhere else, go outside, or ride my bike. But, I continue to have a feeling as if I should be doing something, and instead, I am running away from this responsibility. I feel guilty, but I do not know for what reason. So, at age ten, I play, ride bikes, and play Nintendo to escape the blame and guilt feeling. By age 15, the guilt and anxiety has become so strong that, to calm myself down and avoid the guilt, I rebel. I go out with my friends, don’t tell my mother where I am, and smoke pot. This makes me feel even more guilty. By age 20, I am out of the house, living at University, and drinking. It is the most acceptable form of escape. Drinking is a little bit better, because it is socially acceptable, so there is not so much guilt. But, I am still enjoying myself, and in this pattern I feel guilty about that because I should be doing something more “constructive”.

So, I start trying to do something “constructive”. Maybe this will make me feel better. It does. I go to college and work really hard to get a degree. I finish college. I get the degree. But the feeling is still there. I need something else that lasts. Maybe I should even try to take care of other people. That sounds like the right thing to do! Maybe I should become a monk and gain enlightenment. That’s it! That’s perfect! Thats the most constructive thing ever!

While I am doing what I think a monks should do – putting others before myself, making others happy – I feel better, temporarily. I think, This is what I am “supposed to be doing.” The more that I do, the better.

But, then I put others thoughts, feelings, and needs so much before my own, that I start to deprive myself of my own needs. I try to make others happy and take care of them. I don’t know I do this or even question it. I just feel that I am doing so much for them and they don’t even appreciate it. I become stressed and unhappy. I see them having fun, being free, doing whatever makes them happy,and I think, “Wait, here I am busting my butt for you, and you are just doing whatever makes you happy.

And, I say, “Do something constructive!” This is how a habit pattern is transferred from parent to child.

And I love my mother. I understand her now.

Hue Gioi

This morning I read a great article on gene expression related to memory and the enhancement or deterioration depended on gene expression. Last night and the day before I read two other great article one on mental illness and gene expression and the other relating to anorexia and addictions. These articles gave me great fodder for Dharma talks or just thinking about how the brain and the mind work on a physiological basis. This seems to be a new and popular science that is emerging. This interests me very much and also help me to gain understanding of the Buddhist methods but also help me to challenge Buddhism from new perspectives so I do not get complacent and become a drone. What is grasping, craving and addiction? How can I avoid it? Is following the vows just being a drone and addiction or is it healthy?

I think this questioning is very healthy. I see very often even in my own pagoda people acting in a thoughtless way. My master once told us about his visit to see Thich Nhat Hanh. Thich Nhat Hanh said that when he first started teaching he tried to have all of his students “mindfully” do this and “mindfully” do that mindful singing, mindful doing the dishes. But after a while realized the Sangha had so many routines that nothing was natural anymore! Everything was rehearsed not natural or mindful. He said to himself “ I have created a Zombie army”. Meaning that even though everything was organized and working well and people seemed healthy they were not really “looking deeper into things” and they were not questioning things or being aware of their environment. Actually the whole practice of being mindful was out the window because they had so many mindfulness routines. As our master says we should practice with wisdom and not just be a follower.

In this way one is staying aware, creating healthy living according to the present conditions, an enjoyable life. It is important to always do new things to always try things differently or go new places speak with new people.

Yesterday we went to Bingen here in Germany. There where so many castles! I have never seen this before. It was hot and I was feeling sick on the boat ride in the hot sun. But I managed to have a good time and eventually really started to enjoy myself. I spoke with Hue Tho about meditation and she help me with my German. I spoke with Thay and Hue Pho about anorexia and addiction and I ended the day with a close car ride back to the pagoda with Hue Truc. Bhante was audibly asleep in the back seat Hue truc was in the middle and I was on the right side by the window. It was Hue Truc’s Birday yesterday and I really wanted him to have a nice Day. So I made sure he had Italian cake in the morning. Which Hue Loc did a great job in choosing on his weekly outing to the Metro. But getting back to the car ride. Hue Truc had been having some difficult and feeling sad and frustrated with his practice. Which is normal for a novice monk (but also normal for some one in their thirties,I assume, I am only 24. 25 next month). I think he feels like he will never reach enlightenment or even the Jahnas and his Birthday is just another reminder that this life is impermanent and everyone’s days are numbered. I had talked with Hue Truc the previous days thinking it might to alleviate some of his distress.

On this car ride back he really showed his weakness and I could not help but do the same. I guess it was both of our desire to let down our guard that made it possible. “People learn through osmosis” as the master once said. Hue truc really spoke from his heart about his feeling always like something is wrong with him and it was soo nice and I was able rub his bald head against mine and hold his hand (something I have difficulty with. Physical touch with another male!) This always use to make me so un-comfortble. Being a monk in general has really helped me with this. Helped me to clarify that this is normal. It seems in our society especially in the USA this affection is looked at as odd behavior, unacceptable even. But I find it natural and nice. Affection with out having to to feel like to need to please the other person. Actually being a monk in general makes affection a lot less confusing.

I think now I will wrap things up and say our trip to Bingen was a lot of fun and I think everyone should spend a day floating down the Main River seeing all the castles. And if you have good company and an open heart it is all the better.

Hue Gioi

Hello everybody,

we decided to open the Phat Hue blog so you might have a more “in depth” view of the Pagoda’s activities as well as a personal note to all that is happening in our monastic life.

I hope you will enjoy what we post here…  feel free to leave comments!

June 24th, 2008

Photos Video

Recently, from the 24th of June to the 26th the Most Venerable Pa Auk Sayadaw grace Pagoda Phat Hue with his presence. Amongst the many Venerables who seemed to appear out of the wood work with robes of all colors, traditions and accents from around the globe the Venerable Sayadaw stood out as a worthy teacher of all.

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